man that scene in the GIRLS season finale with Dunham and Driver, post wedding in the nicely lit NYC street, Harris Savides style really wrecked me. it was a great scene, well acted but it was too real. like scary real.
the scene eerily brought to mind the fight that i had with [redacted] in the empty downtown chicago streets post pitchfork last year. i never really told you how scared i was meeting you and how i was scared i was while waiting for you at the airport. i scared that you werent going to like me. i was scared that i wasnt going to be the person that you saw me to be. i was hoping youd love the real me. i was scared that it wasnt going to work and that’d it blow up in my face. and unfortunately it did. i know that we’re all good but i still feel emotionally invested in what had happened and the repercussions of those three days still hurt me to this day.
when Driver said “I told you once I really commit to something I really fucking commit,” i found myself easily relating to him. and i think thats the hardest thing for me right now in being in a relationship is that more often that not i’m the one who is more emotionally committed than the other person. my last relationship was awful and the one which i thought would be my god send were i had waited, not rushed it, and when we were both equally vibing it just blew up in my face and to this day i still wonder what i did wrong. no one ever wants to be that transitional guy to the great relationship. or the guy post ex emotionally damaging relationship.
ill never fully understand as to why a beautiful blossoming relationship can be cut because a person needs to do things on their own. ill never understand why something that can be so great can be just stopped instaneously. and i dont want to go all pete campbell and say man its not fair, why do they get to decide on everything but this is something that will always plague me and ill never know the answer. i know a lot of relationships were you see both partners achieving, striving together, working together and like how see how that person became so great because they got there with some help from their partner. its a really beautiful thing to see and i guess why i get so bummed out because i just see these girls that i’ve hanged out with and i get along really well with them and theres a certain energy that i have with them were it can really be something but something in me just stops and i freeze want because im scared. im scared to have my heart broken.
nowadays im all about taking chances but in terms of relationships its so hard for me to plunge feet first because i have this fear if i dont know if ill be able to rise up. lately im drifting in the casual again which i havent done in a while because i dont want to get hurt right now. i still feel like shit but i dont feel the blowback as ive had happened before.
but if someone comes along, you know a cool girl. look i dont want to change you, i dont want you to be anything that you dont want to be. the reason why i like you is because of who you are. but if i can change your perception of what you think a relationship can be and remove you from the hurt that lurks and can bite you and make you feel good make you feel wanted makes you feel fucking alive than thats what i want to do. i want to do that with you but im scared. because i dont know if thats what you want and i dont want to be heartbroken. because like adam when i fucking commit, i commit all the way.
oh well. keep on chugging.
BTW, I loved GIRLS. I was smiling most of the time I was watchign it and most of you know I NEVER smile.
I don’t think anybody at my office watches it and there’s only so many aspects of the show that you can discuss with your bros before you get curious as to how enlightening a conversation about the show GIRLS with a woman would be.